Charlie Rangel stood in the well of the House Thursday and apologized to Congress. He thanked them for allowing him to address the greatest body in the world. It's the same thing the TSA screeners say to the women who go through Los Angeles Airport security.
The TSA was overwhelmed by complaints Friday from passengers who were fondled by airport screeners. Misunderstanding is rampant. Every time Al Gore asks the TSA for a happy ending while they are patting him down, they assure him his flight will land safely.
James Carville told a crowd Friday if Hillary Clinton gave President Obama one of her testicles they'd each have one. He's not the first person to say this. For years the number-one selling children's book in Little Rock was Chelsea Has Two Fathers.
President Obama was chided in Portugal Friday for his presidential limo projecting such imperialism. He can launch a nuclear attack, crash the markets or start a trade war. The guy who loads his Teleprompter has more power than anybody since Caesar Augustus.
President Obama used his weekly address Saturday to urge passage of an arms treaty with Russia. He really cranked up the fear factor. He warned that the Russians have a new missile that can reach our shores, grope our private parts and cause us to miss the next flight.
Patrick Kennedy retired from Congress on Friday leaving no Kennedys in the U.S. Government for the first time in sixty-four years. This explains everything. The TSA isn't groping women for security reasons, they're just trying to carry on the Kennedy legacy.]
TSA chief John Pistole ordered TSA screeners Monday to continue groping the groins and breasts of air passengers. He told the Today show the screeners are just doing their job to keep you safe. If they were doing their job any better they'd have to buy you dinner first.
North Korea's Kim Jong Il showed off his nuclear enrichment plant Sunday. The U.S. May give nuclear weapons to Japan to help keep North Korea and China in line. The thinking is, now that we've duplicated the Great Depression, maybe we can duplicate the exact same conditions that led up to World War II which got us out of the Great Depression.
Thanksgiving Day arrived last Thursday as the annual reminder to be grateful we live in the United States of America. There's always something to be thankful for. Even if you are broke and cannot pay your bills, you can be thankful that you aren't one of your creditors.
The TSA announced Tuesday senior government officials will not have to undergo airport groping like everyone else must undergo. There'll be plenty of government officials in the security lines. After the TSA screeners are finished checking your pants for weapons, government officials will turn you upside down and shake you for loose change.
North Korean scientists took a Stanford scientist on a tour of a nuclear enrichment plant Sunday. They were being very careful. They're not enriching it beyond two hundred and fifty thousand dollars because they don't want to attract President Obama's attention.
Fidel Castro wrote Monday that NATO is a Mafia and President Obama is the best snake charmer who ever lived. By now it's considered really bad luck to try to silence him. Every president since Harry Truman has been survived by his wife and Fidel Castro.
President Obama tumbled to an all-time low of thirty-nine percent job approval rating in the Zogby Poll Tuesday. Every Democrat took note. Hillary Clinton just announced she will host the next round of Arab-Israeli peace talks in Des Moines.
Ground Zero Mosque developers requested federal funds from HUD money voted and earmarked by Congress to rebuild Lower Manhattan from the World Trade Center attack. No one thought Muslims would dare touch this money. After all, pork is against their religion.
President Obama receives the White House Christmas tree Friday a week after he enjoyed India's festival of lights, Indonesia's world's largest mosque, and Japan's statue of Big Buddha. He likes to sample all the religions. He just offered to make Christine O'Donnell Ambassador to France if she will turn Glenn Beck into a toad.
Hollywood sweetheart Jennifer Grey won ABC's Dancing with the Stars Tuesday with her dazzling style and personality. She trounced the Palins. Afterwards Jennifer got a phone call in her dressing room from the president asking her to write him a how-to guide.
President Obama taped an interview with Barbara Walters which will air tonight on ABC. He revealed he has Stevie Wonder, the Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan on his iPod. Unfortunately the interview question asked him what he planned to do about North Korea.
The TSA may have hired illegal aliens as screeners in Orlando after advertising for workers on pizza boxes. That explains the complaints from big-breasted women. The only training they have had is as fruit pickers so all they know how to do is squeeze melons.
Homeland Security announced Wednesday it's considering new names for the daily terrorist threat levels they announce. People have gotten too used to hearing the current names--Code Yellow and Code Orange and Code Red. To get everybody's attention, they're thinking about renaming them Above the Waist, Below the Waist and Third Date.
-- Argus Hamilton
President Obama has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel?
Happy birthday to Vice President Joe Biden. President Obama got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag.
Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them.
North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of "Dancing With the Stars."
-- Leno
A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker's hand.
The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity.
-- Jimmy Fallon
Sarah Palin must be glad that "Dancing With the Stars" is over. It was a major distraction. She was only able to release three books this month.
-- Jimmy Kimmel
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
-- Craig Ferguson
The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. The spokesman for the turkey said it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job.
-- Conan
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