Saturday, February 5, 2011

MisfitsCafe.com - Good Adult Ones...

 

Good Adult Ones...
 
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said,
"I call my husband the dentist.
Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said,
"The postman.
He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

~~~~~~~

A survey ran by The Irish Institute of Women's Rights based in Shannon, Ireland found that over 92 percent of the women suffering from spousal abuse had one factor in common:
None of them knew when to shut the Fuck up.

~~~~~~~

When my kids were little I couldn't wait for them to get older.
They were in such constant need of attention I fantasized about the day when they would be independent enough to leave me the hell alone for five minutes.
The optimism of inexperience.
When they were little they were easy to take care of.
If I wanted to keep track of any of them I just locked them in the car seat or the high chair.
I always knew where they were.
I could carry them wherever I wanted to go.
Now they're all over the place.
I don't know why I thought they would be more independent, because they are constantly at my elbow, asking for money, asking for rides, asking for new clothes, asking for toys, asking for help with their homework!
I was complaining about this to the wife who cautioned me that when they do finally start to become really independent, driving, spending all day at school and sports and eventually going college, that I am going to suffer from empty nest syndrome.
"No problem," I answered,
"I'll just get a dog and a mistress."

~~~~~~~

"Two people won the Mega Millions lottery.
Playing the lottery is just gambling.
I don't need money to be happy.
I get my happiness from the small things — literally, midgets."
-Craig Ferguson

~~~~~~~

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom.
Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class.
Emily assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added,
"This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.
"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?"
the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted,
"I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted'."

~~~~~~~

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us,
And she immediately dropped to her knees
And laid on the grass at my feet.
And as we lay making love, I thought...
"These taser guns are so worth the money."

~~~~~~~

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have It. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
He was 43...

~~~~~~~

A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell.
After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed no one was home and decide to leave.
He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa.
Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look.
He noticed the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at her husband.
He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head wildly back and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank.
The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbour walked up and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said the sales-man.
"No, they don't," replied the neighbour.
"They're deaf, and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to cut the grass, but the husband is telling the wife 'Fuck no! I'm
going fishing.'"

~~~~~~~

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex.
The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself,
"Man, oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks,
"Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains,
"I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies,
"So you really love me?"
"Oh, God no!"
the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."
 
 
 
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MisfitsCafe.com - Andy Blondie Pickles

 

 
Andy CappAndy BlondieBlondie PicklesPickles
 

 Andy Capp

 
 

 Blondie for 2/6/2011

 


 Pickles for 2/6/2011

 

  
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MisfitsCafe.com - Andy Blondie Pickles

 

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 Andy Capp

 


 Blondie for 2/5/2011

 


 Pickles for 2/5/2011

 

 
 
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Recent Activity:
* StumpySteve stopped all of his RX meds on Dec 21st and
all of his numbers continue to improve. He also said ...
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The Most Astonishing Health Disaster of the Century !!!
==> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPI7zdGdqo4

MISFITSCAFE.COM | PO BOX 4286 | DELTONA FL 32725-0286
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MisfitsCafe.com - NA pipes ¬

 




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHKj2lg5XPQ

 
Tobacco (ah-say-ma) and Pipes (o-pwa'-gun)

Used for medicine, hospitality, diplomacy and religion, tobacco is highly regarded as the most sacred plant in Indian Country.

Since ancient times, Indians have used tobacco to show reverence for the Great Creator, and respect for each other. Tobacco is used in daily offerings such as sprinkling tobacco to ask the Great Creator for strength or a safe journey to or from home.

In earlier times, both Ojibwe men and women smoked pipes filled with kinnikinnik — the inner bark of the dogwood plant. Both men and women smoked pipes made of blackstone, but the women's pipes were smaller. The men also made pipes with sandstone and cut designs into the stone, which were then inlayed with other materials. They often decorated pipe stems with eagle feathers, quills, hair, and beadwork.

When numerous tribes dominated North America, carrying a ceremonial pipe signified peaceful intent. White explorers carried these pipes in case of chance meetings with Indians because treaties with non-Indians are sealed by smoking a ceremonial pipe. The term "peace pipe" came from the idea that smoking the pipe during the signing of a peace treaty signified peace and friendship.

Large and intricately decorated, the ceremonial pipes were stored in beautiful bags which are still embroidered with beads and quills usually by Ojibwe women. It is an honor to be selected to have a peace pipe, a tradition that continues today.

In modern times, the term "peace pipe" has a much broader definition that refers to many different kinds of pipes. One type of pipe is used in Indian religious ceremonies to commemorate or bless an event, such as the swearing in of an elected official, naming ceremonies for children, and groundbreaking for new buildings and facilities. Indians believe that the rising smoke carries messages to the Great Creator.

Tobacco's Ceremonial History

The use of tobacco today, for smoking as well as other uses, is a global phenomenon. Tobacco, however, is a plant which originated in the Americas and which was first used in a variety of ways by American Indians. The history of tobacco is partially a history of American Indians.

First, some information about the plant. Tobacco's genus, Nicotiana, contains 64 species. Today, the most frequently used tobaccos are Nicotiana tabacum (tall, annual, broad leafed plant) and Nicotiana rustica.

While tobacco grows wild in many parts of the Americas, the archaeological evidence suggests that Indian people in the Andes region of South American began to domesticate and cultivate tobacco about 7,000 years ago. The practice of growing tobacco as a crop then spread north into the tribal traditions of what is now the United States and Canada and also out to the Caribbean Islands. Shortly after the beginning of the European invasion in 1492, the use and cultivation of tobacco began to spread to other parts of the planet.

Tobacco can be used by humans in many different ways: it can be sniffed, chewed, eaten, smeared on the skin, drunk, used in eye drops and enemas, and smoked. Smoking is the quickest way of getting the drug into the blood stream other than using a hypodermic needle. Taken in small doses, tobacco has a mild effect on those who use it. However, taken in large doses it can produce hallucinations, trances, and death.

Smoking is an unusual way of ingesting a drug. At the time of the European invasion in the 1500s, smoking was found only in the Americas and in a few parts of Africa. Europeans were unfamiliar with this activity and were, at times, amazed when they encountered it.

Tobacco was traditionally used by nearly all of the tribes of North America and the most common way of using tobacco was to smoke it in a pipe. Indians used pipes made from various materials in a variety of shapes. The most recognized is the Plains Indian "peace" pipe with its stone bowl and long wooden stem. The bowl of the "peace" pipe is often in an elbow shape or a T-shape.

The people whom archaeologists call Basketmaker in what is now the American Southwest were using a tube-like pipe about 3,500 years ago. For their smoking mixture they used wild tobacco (Nicotiana rustica) which was probably mixed with other materials. In a similar fashion, the Indian people around the Great Lakes area about 3,000 years ago were using tubular-shaped pipes for smoking tobacco. The pipes are flared on the tobacco end and narrowed on the mouth end.

While some pipes are left plain, others are elaborately carved. The designs can range from abstract patterns to realistic animal and human effigies. In some instances the animal effigies represent the guardian spirits of the pipe's owner. Human heads, which are often carved so that they face the smoker, sometimes represent an actual deceased individual and are smoked to facilitate spiritual communication with that person.

The Indian people in the eastern part of the United States frequently made pipes from clay. It was this clay pipe which the Europeans copied when they began to smoke tobacco.

In addition to using stone and clay for making pipes, Indian also made pipes from wood, bone, and antler.

While smoking could be a social event or a solitary undertaking, the act of smoking always involved some ritual. When the pipe was first lit, smoke would be offered to the directions: four directions in some traditions, six in others, and often seven.

Often pipes were individual pipes: that is, there were privately owned. An individual pipe could be used ceremonially to aid in the owner's personal spiritual quest or the owner could use the pipe to help other people. In addition, an individual pipe might be used for recreational smoking. When the owner of the pipe died, the pipe was either buried with the owner's body or it was destroyed.

Sometimes pipes were communally owned: that is, they were a part of a bundle of spiritual objects. These pipes were used only ceremonially and were used to spiritually help the people.

Today, pipes are still commonly used by American Indian people. Many of the old bundles and their pipes still play an important role in the spiritual life of the people. Many individuals also have pipes and, as "pipe carriers," they are often asked to conduct spiritual ceremonies.

Smoking and Tobacco in Indian Country

Condensed from the September 1997 American Indian Report

Felicia Hodge, director of the American Indian Cancer Control Project, is in the process of educating American Indians about the health hazards of smoking. The following are some of her findings.

Commercial tobacco use among American Indians varies from region to region, but according to the Centers for Disease Control, on the average, American Indians and Alaska Natives smoke more than any other ethnic group in the United States.

There is an explanation for this. In many tribal cultures, the tobacco plant has a sacred use: its smoke carries prayers to the Creator. But health care professionals are afraid that the traditional use of tobacco and the commercial use of tobacco have become one in the minds of many American Indians, making it harder for them to consider smoking a hazard.

Traditionally, the use of ceremonial tobacco has been reserved for special social gatherings or prayer ceremonies. Species of this tobacco vary from one tribe to another. Some tribes never use tobacco at all or they mix it with other plants to modify its harshness. Other tribes burn tobacco instead of smoking it.

Over time, commercial tobacco has become a ready substitute for the traditional varieties. Seeing the dangers of this, Elders across Indian Country have begun teaching American Indian youth about sacred tobacco use and discouraging the abuse of commercial tobacco.









--



Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.


__._,_.___
Recent Activity:
* StumpySteve stopped all of his RX meds on Dec 21st and
all of his numbers continue to improve. He also said ...
http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/MisfitsCafe/message/168

The Most Astonishing Health Disaster of the Century !!!
==> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPI7zdGdqo4

MISFITSCAFE.COM | PO BOX 4286 | DELTONA FL 32725-0286
* To donate, use: http://misfitscafe.com/donate
Thank You & Looking Forward, StumpySteve MD

(\__/)
(='.'=) Dear Dorothy, Hate Oz. Took the shoes.
(")_(") Find your own way home!!! xoxo Toto
http://StumpySteve.com/forums (repaired)

*********************
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MisfitsCafe.com - Police Fails

 



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--
http://misfitscafe.com/Azbrujo
  "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." Kurt Cobain

__._,_.___
Recent Activity:
* StumpySteve stopped all of his RX meds on Dec 21st and
all of his numbers continue to improve. He also said ...
http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/MisfitsCafe/message/168

The Most Astonishing Health Disaster of the Century !!!
==> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPI7zdGdqo4

MISFITSCAFE.COM | PO BOX 4286 | DELTONA FL 32725-0286
* To donate, use: http://misfitscafe.com/donate
Thank You & Looking Forward, StumpySteve MD

(\__/)
(='.'=) Dear Dorothy, Hate Oz. Took the shoes.
(")_(") Find your own way home!!! xoxo Toto
http://StumpySteve.com/forums (repaired)

*********************
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