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Good Adult Ones...   Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman. He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box." ~~~~~~~ A survey ran by The Irish Institute of Women's Rights based in Shannon, Ireland found that over 92 percent of the women suffering from spousal abuse had one factor in common: None of them knew when to shut the Fuck up. ~~~~~~~ When my kids were little I couldn't wait for them to get older. They were in such constant need of attention I fantasized about the day when they would be independent enough to leave me the hell alone for five minutes. The optimism of inexperience. When they were little they were easy to take care of. If I wanted to keep track of any of them I just locked them in the car seat or the high chair. I always knew where they were. I could carry them wherever I wanted to go. Now they're all over the place. I don't know why I thought they would be more independent, because they are constantly at my elbow, asking for money, asking for rides, asking for new clothes, asking for toys, asking for help with their homework! I was complaining about this to the wife who cautioned me that when they do finally start to become really independent, driving, spending all day at school and sports and eventually going college, that I am going to suffer from empty nest syndrome. "No problem," I answered, "I'll just get a dog and a mistress." ~~~~~~~ "Two people won the Mega Millions lottery. Playing the lottery is just gambling. I don't need money to be happy. I get my happiness from the small things — literally, midgets." -Craig Ferguson ~~~~~~~ On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was. The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked. "Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded. After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted'." ~~~~~~~ I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us, And she immediately dropped to her knees And laid on the grass at my feet. And as we lay making love, I thought... "These taser guns are so worth the money." ~~~~~~~ A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have It. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43... ~~~~~~~ A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell. After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed no one was home and decide to leave. He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa. Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look. He noticed the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at her husband. He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head wildly back and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank. The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbour walked up and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said the sales-man. "No, they don't," replied the neighbour. "They're deaf, and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to cut the grass, but the husband is telling the wife 'Fuck no! I'm going fishing.'" ~~~~~~~ A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh, God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

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