Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're
lucky to be here."
The Pope says, "Why? What did I possibly do wrong while on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women
becoming priests."
The Pope says, "God's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
- - - - -
Limericks:
A flighty young gal named Melissa
Was careless as hell on the pissa.
One day in the rush,
She was caught in the flush,
And goodness knows all of us missa!
Said the wench to the new Maharajah,
"You are ever-well hung, you old codjah!
It delights me to lay
And be queen for a day,
But the last Maharajah was largah!"
- - - - -
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie, and behind him
are two women. The usher comes along and says that he
has two seats together.
Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them
go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from
her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been
sorry ever since!"
- - - - -
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about
her complaint, she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the
examining table.
She did so....
The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her
"private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How
does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
- - - - -
Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until
his mother came in to see what was the matter.
"I have to make pee pee," wailed Johnny.
"All right," said his mother. "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No," insisted Johnny, "I want Grandma to take me."
"Don't be silly. I can do the same thing as Grandma," said
his mother firmly.
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake," replied Johnny.
- - - - -
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can
of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as
a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the
grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another
five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
- - - - -
A pair of limericks:
There once was a young masturbator,
Who bought an electric vibrator.
She put it inside,
But the reason she died,
Was its faulty speed regulator!
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
- - - - -
He said it was because it turned him on, but I think he
had ulterior motives because he always said the same
thing: "Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
- - - - -
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine
giving up your sex life and then once a week people come
in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
- - - - -
A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest
daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his
chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would
like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his
chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like
to marry
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on
the ground," she replied.
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