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Monday, December 13, 2010

Maxine's Christmas Eve!

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
Since the cat ate the mouse.

My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.

And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"

I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.

Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...

And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.

Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--

"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!

Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!

But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,

So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.

As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Tumbled and fell.

He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."

His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.

A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).

He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.

I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"

Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"

And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"

But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.

A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.

I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...

"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,

("I'll get you next year!")

__._,_.___

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