Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK?
Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners A new Tesco Supermarket has opened in London. It has an automatic moisturiser to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk counter, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steak.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped 'Miller Lite' and Guinness. When you approach the shelves where the eggs are stacked, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more! These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grand-pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land-mine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick." A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.
After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally, he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?" |
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